Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
