I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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