This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
