with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
