dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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