Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
You're earring is so big in my mouth
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
