don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
