take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
