Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize