I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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