Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
it hurts more in the daytime
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Randomize
