Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
