Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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