She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
