The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
