Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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