This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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