Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
