does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize