Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
