You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
