I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
