This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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