I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I seem to have left my pride at pride
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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