I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
