guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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