DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
