I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
