You just made me feel so damn special
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
