My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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