I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
