Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Randomize
