Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I need water and some morals
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
