3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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