If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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