I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
So squirting runs in the family.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
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