you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
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