I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
