Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
you had me at cake vodka
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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