I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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