I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Randomize
