I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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