I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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