I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
