I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
