I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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