i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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