then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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