I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
