Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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