did you get engaged???
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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