Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
