WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
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