i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
